Reflections and Hopeful Directions

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Reflections And Hopeful Directions
By Dan Lopez in SpiritualWarriorToday mug212013
I recently came across a lyric by Robin Thicke that was revamped into its more rape culture linguistic.

After reviewing the revamp, I was pushed to boundaries I hadn’t revisited in sometime. Hurtful, painful, scarring memories that are burned into my being. I think it was only the day before I also read a blog article by a friend Teal Scott, who shared about her love past and its impact on her life to this day.

Between the two of these and the recent undertaking with a clients issues, I began having flashbacks of my life and how those memories began to intertwine.

The things you find in the trash…

Down the block from the complex building I lived in there was a trash heap, left for the sanitation guys to come pick up every week. So for a few days it would begin accumulating everything from boxes, bags, small furniture and even mattreses…

When I was around eight years old on my way to my favorite wooded area spot past the parking lot, among the trash I spotted some boxes half open with colorful images… Curiosity getting the better of me exposed the contents of some comic books that were of the sexual nature. To this day they fetch a pretty penny in some markets as they’re considered rare art. The artist of most of these books was named Robert Crumm…

The over exaggerated images in these books were mesmerizing and horrifying, but for an eight year old boy were impossible to put down…

Every form of human anatomy was blown way beyond proportion. And the context was to this day a bit hard to grasp since I hadn’t seen them since. I get the gist today of course, but back then, not only was I clueless, but I could not believe things like this were considered enjoyable.

But there it was in its full black and white glory.

I won’t get graphical, as I’m sure your mind can fill in what I’m leaving out just fine.

“This is wrong”, I thought. But what the hell is so magnetizing about these images? Of course the size of boobs were confounding, but the rest well.. holy frik!

Anyway the books got lost somehow.. I don’t quite remember what happened to them, only that I had stashed them somewhere and they were no longer there, and I wouldn’t dare ask if anyone had seen what had become of them since I wanted to live a few more years before departing.

Fast forward to the rape lyric article. As I was getting a third of the way through a nauseous feeling started building in me. And Getting through the rest of the article became a challenge unto itself.

My first daughter’s mother and I were engaged i some hot torrid passion play when the unimaginable happened… She reached around and began doing something with her finger that I was completely unprepared for. She asked what was wrong and I, for the life of me, had no idea. Only that this didn’t feel right and I wished she’d stop.. She persisted a bit more, but that bit more had threw me into an overwhelming panic shooting tears from my eyes and full body trembles.

To this day I have no idea what triggered that particular reaction except maybe…

Innocently going to a friend of the family in Puerto Rico when I was nine years old to hang out, cuz he was funny as hell, I was told that Henry was in his room…

Nonchalantly I knocked waited for a reply and entered. The sight I bestowed slammed my back the wall. There was Henry fondling himself on his bed and inviting me to join him.. “This Is Not Happening!”, I repeated in my head over and over again like a mantra spewing from a deranged person in a horror movie. I cannot begin to describe the terror I was experiencing, only to say that every cell in my body said “leave” but I was galvanized to the wall.

The very instant I had enough courage, I took off like a bullet through a barrel, literally and got back to my grandmother’s property… Nothing happened, but I was forever changed. Petrified and alone, I had no idea how to process what had just transpired, nor did I have any clue how to tell anyone. The world wasn’t safe. Friends aren’t safe, family aren’t safe. I wasn’t safe. Those were the only phrases that revolved in my mind.

When I came back home to New York, I managed the courage to tell my parents, who in turn didn’t believe a word I said. “He’s known the family for years” they said. “He’s harmless” they said…

But once while Henry was invited to dinner back at grandmother’s house, he gave me a sideways glance between the laughs and guffaws that sent a spine numbing chill, that told a completely different story. This was not harmless, this was no friend, we were in the company of a monster.

—– another story altogether—

I wasn’t back home very long before we had to move to a new neighborhood, and I was forced to engage with the environment, which also fortified my fears…

My brother and I are five years apart. So we argued a lot, but we were all we had, cuz our sister was well.. our sister and didn’t play like boys, on top of that she was also going through some physical handicaps which didn’t allow her to be as active as us.

So we’re out together on a cold November day after a major snowstorm… And who should we run into, but the neighborhood bullies… What started out as an innocent challenging snowball fight, turned bloody fast. As my brother clutched his ear I could see the red filling his glove as it continued to run down his neck… Fuming and enraged with bloodlust to avenge my brother I jumped from my place of cover and charged the enemy who just laughed and ran off..

Not safe… this place is not safe

\—end of other story altogether—

Enter Amy;

Entering Jr High was weird to say the least.

Having undergone the new guy initiation the year before and somewhat getting to know those around me.. It became obvious life was twisting in ways I would never had imagined. Coming into experiences with 6th grade weirdness called dating and the revised version of something called boyfriend, girlfriend I suddenly came to the conclusion that I was light years behind my peers…

Hanging out in the basements of these buildings and having games of spin the bottle, run catch & kiss, all seemed innocent enough until some damn ritual called “pop the strap” entered the fray…

I found myself in a relationship with a girl named Amy.. I’m pretty sure I didn’t ask her out, it kind of just happened. Amy was a decent enough sort. I wouldn’t say she would have been my first choice, but that turned out to be exactly how it happened. It wasn’t my choice… We got together and were left alone, apparently she knew just what she wanted and I had no clue what either of us wanted.

All I knew is that I was supposed to be involved in this ritual which made absolutely no sense. We kissed somewhat awkwardly and she then brought my hands under her shirt. What I gripped did absolutely nothing for me. I’d remember those old comic books, but this was not that.

Then I was maneuvered to the back of her shirt which held what was supposed to be the challenge dejure, the strap.. I guess I got it, but I was still kinda weirded out by the whole event.

We made out for a while longer and during the whole time I knew I was supposed to be enjoying myself… but the truth was.. I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be with Amy, I didn’t want to be alone with her, I didn’t want to be here doing what we were doing… and I was pretty damn sure I couldn’t wait till this fuckin ritual was over.

Done.. or at least she was.. emerging to be received by the crowd of peers, the questions began.. How was it, did you pop the strap, what did it feel like, did you come?

“Did I What!?” “What the frik is that!? I said” then I was told…

“Eh.. No” I responded.. No I did not… despite her hands going where they wanted I was not even close to doing something like that…

But that was it, we were decidedly an item from then on… which in those years amounted to all of a week or so…

I’d never quite gotten over that experience, it still, to this day boggles the mind of what happens when kids are left alone to their own devices.

I’d tried to engage with other girls who did stir my imagination, but for years, and I do mean years, it just never seemed to work out with anyone…

Every attempt lead to maybe a weeks worth of entanglement and then abruptly cutoff by some unknown force which was not to be spoken of.

“Why are we breaking up?” I would ask.

“I can’t tell you why.” Was the common response from the girls who were at least able to get to that point, otherwise my requests for understanding were met with cold silence.

Except for one girl, her name was Louise. I liked her, I wasn’t entirely “in love” with her, but I enjoyed her company and we started going out, as they called it back then, for a few weeks until…

I broke her heart, badly.

All for a girl who, to this day, I don’t even remember her name, it was an exotic name I remember that much. I didn’t mean to hurt Louise, it just happened and I was entranced by the beauty of this new love.. I was “In Love”

Sorry Louise…

That summer I asked this girl who obviously was very friendly with me, who talked with me for hours on end, who captured my attention and made me feel all weird inside with her eyes of mystery and desire…

Okay enough of that.. I asked her why she wouldn’t go out with me and she said “Amy.”

“Amy? What the hell does Amy have to do with anything?” Mind you this is well nearly three years later. Turns out Amy was terrorizing any woman who had caught my attention, and were met with violent threats to avoid me at all costs lest they knew what was best for them.

I don’t know what happened to me after that, except that it was not good. I had confronted Amy about it, read her the riot act, to stay out of my affairs..

But the damage was done. During the rest of the two years in JHS I managed to get the eye of two of the most beautiful girls in the school for our age.

Each one was somehow broken.. making out was mechanical and detached, much the way I was with Amy.. I realized that these were not really girls as each one turned out to be with other older guys while seeing me. These girls were playing another game that I again, was light years behind.

I pretty much started to lose it after that. A recent battle with my father gave me the sobering reality that I was “a worthless piece of shit that wouldn’t amount to anything” No love, no safety, no worth. There was only one way to go… down.

Pot was very accessible back then, and alcohol was even more so. Between the two I had found that Love was something everyone else was allowed to have. Not for me though… I tried, lord knows hoping against hope I tried.. But I was broken.

To many dejections, to many reinforced beatings. I wasn’t even able to really defend myself. Skinny as, well… I was skinny, I wasn’t all bones, but I was skinnier than most of the others in the tribe for lack of a better term.

Enter Cindi

I had met a Cindi in the park, we (the tribe) had migrated from one park across the neighborhood to this one located next to PS201 across the street from Queens College.

She was beautiful, radiant, dirty blond hair and bubbly personality. Irresistible, which meant, I didn’t have chance in hell.

But I guess things have a way of happening that don’t make sense because not long after meeting Cindi we became somewhat of an item ourselves. Talking for long hours into the night. Making out like there was no tomorrow. We were hot for each other.

But, there was a catch, the third base.

We couldn’t;t go there as much as all the grinding and sweating was involved we could not breach the unbreachable. I was quite sure what was going on.

By this time I had already been to other oral areas with other women but never third base. And if there was anyone whom I wanted to go there with it was Cindi. We, to my knowledge, were meant for each other.

I had heard through the grapevine that she was seeing an older guy who’s name escapes me at the moment, but having gone through that in JR HS With Evelyn and Ursala, I wasn’t that concerned cuz I/We was “in love”…

Or, so I thought. I wasn’t allowed to have her as my first. That was how she explained it to me… Mind you, this was no overnight thing. We were at this for almost three years now.

Finally, Cindi had decided we couldn’t do this anymore and that I had to go and try to be happy, at least that’s what my mind is telling me she meant.

I was shattered. That shatter lasted about a year. And I went further down. Beyond what is known as full blown alcoholic I was abusing any chemical I could get my hands on. All but heroin, and only because of the one encounter which left me retching for six hours after a few snorts. Thank God.

It amazes me to this day how so much can still be left out from a detailed account of history, but I’m trying to purge the love portion which to this day is still accountable for who I am.

—another story out of nowhere—

I have to admit there was one scene, in the lobby of another building the tiny tribe had gathered in which left me dumbfounded. I was secretly in love with a darling who’s name I won’t divulge, had simply blurted out “Dan, have you ever done a sixty nine?”

I, at this time had discovered Penthouse, and within was reading “The Letters to Xavier” Which held short nothing from passion to torrid accounts that taught me well the way of a womans desires…

Needless to say this question turned me white as a ghost, and with as much courage and meekness of tone, I lied…

As luck would have it, the next season I was walking this darling home from the park, not sure if I offered or she requested the company, but it was her building that daring question was posed, and the very one we found ourselves in front of now… In a moment of uncertainty the desire to kiss her goodnight came over me and we faced each other.

Suddenly everything that night went white, I mean whiter than the sun white, blindingly white. As just as it began to wear off and I could barely make out the figure in front of me, the most loudest explosions erupted which literally made my chest hurt so much I nearly doubled over.

I reached out with both arms to grab purchase of my darling and make sure she was still there. Light blindness now recovering she stood before me, eyes wide and in shock.. We stood there stark silent for an instant of eternity said goodnight and went our ways.

/— end of another story out of nowhere —

Third Base;

By this time in the ripe old age of 18, I’d been invited and engaged in a threesome that just went weird, and no not THAT way… just it never occurred it would happen to me out of no where. Imagine walking along a sidewalk and some hottie driving by with her or some guy asks you if you want get it going on and where is there someplace to do it?

I won’t go into details about that one, but it was a shock to the system nonetheless.

So oral was around and that was about it. No love, love, until…

Enter Lisa;

I’m already at one of my lowest, just four years before I was done with drugs and alcohol for good. And massively involved with blackouts and waking up in the damndest of places like an old train yard where they park the trains after their route. Apparently the conductor figured I needed the rest.

Busying myself with Dj’ing and nothing else good, I went to an after hours club having left the Ritz, called The Lounge… Somehow I had managed to make friends with the DJ their having similar interests and knowing the craft and BS’ing about the patrons…

Did I mention that the DJ at the Lounge was also the local cocaine dealer? Need I also mention that from the moment we made friends it started snowing?

I was always a loner and tonight was no exception. Now completely wired,I planted myself in front of coin-op and began shaking the machine fervently as the missiles dropped from every angle imaginable.

As soft hand went down my shoulder and rested on the middle of my back. If I wasn’t so strung out and zoned into the game I would have jumped at the touch. But I was focused and was out to beat this thing. As the periphery of my sight caught the shape of female, I relaxed a bit more and just played while she leaned over and said “I like the way you shake the machine.”

“All my bases gone… damn Missle Command”

“You what?” I asked..

“You heard me”, and she repeated herself.

Big smile, dark hair, dark eyes, full hips and well you get the point. She was the night come to life. Within a moment we talking and walking to her home. A train ride and many miles from the club.

As we got through the threshold, a man was on the other side packing what was left of his stuff and leaving, giving me a warning glance the spoke volumes, but I was too damn horndogged out to notice.

She was thirty six, I was eighteen, she was a dancer, a strip tease artist. They call it something else now, something I don’t much care for. But that’s what she was, in her prime and three days later with hardly any sleep at all, I emerged a changed man.

Lisa turned out to be suicidal, and had a heavy thing for Quaaludes, or barbiturates of any nature. And the condition I would find her in for the next six months, at some points made my darkness look like a fairytale.

The scars on her wrists were one thing, but having to call 911 because she decided to eat a bag of ludes, just boggled my mind. When the EMT’s came and took her away… I, by this time had seen enough.

I was feeling great and my lover was killing herself. I was beside myself with the irony that I had found love once again and this is what it looked like.

Nothing is safe…

Enter Lisa No.2

Yes, somehow I found another one. Precious and adorable, a regular cuddle bumpkin.. God I cherished being with her… I was pretty sure in her company I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to clean up and fly right and grow old together…

She spoke of things that made my mind swoon

I was nineteen now and I was angry, scared and alone. My mother would listen to me, but how do you tell your mother everything that you’ve experienced at that age?

Friends were friends, but you don’t go home to friends, you go home to the pain, the fear, the anger and self-loathing.

For me, trying to come to terms with what is included coming to terms with what wasn’t.

A friend decided that he had a thing for Lisa2 and got her to hang out with him… He had admitted to others that he was going to get Lisa from me. I’m not sure if it was a direct thing against me, or that his thirst for conquest just included Lisa2 and I was in the way. Nonetheless, it happened. He introduced her to cocaine, got her hooked beyond healthy measures and that was the last I saw of Lisa for years. When I did fnally see her again, she was changed inside and out…

Friends aren’t safe…

As children we come into the world and the only beings bigger than life are our parents. Laying no blame here, just being objective. They to us are GODS. My god, was my father, and my father when not beating my ass was not around. Let me rephrase that, he was around, he just wasn’t available, emotionally or otherwise.

Most if not all of my relationships were/are this way.

They were around, but something in them was not available. When I finally cleaned up, I learned there was a better way… Life didn’t have to end. I didn’t have to die any more. And I was introduced to something called unconditional love.

The thing is this…

I knew what it (this unconditional love) was, cuz it was something within that required no introduction. Seeing it in action was a whole ‘nother ball game. Unfortunately, somehow, I maintained a desire to keep finding a match with the hardest relationship I grew up with, thereby attempting to please that which was unavailable.

I still do, I know I’m a match for that which I put out. And I know I’m worthy of receiving such. And someday I will. Of that I am still hopeful.

Please Share & Leave a Comment Below, I know it can be a lot to process, but when bearing all, it helps to know we’re not alone.

To Go Forward One Must Purge The Past

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Tarot Side of LifeI can’t answer why some choose ignorance over wisdom. For me, I’ve come to know the planets do in fact influence the body of Earth and its inhabitants. Let it be said that there is NO greater influence to the inhabitant entities here other than that of Free Will.

Which means, those who choose to express Free Will over any other influence, will still experience the influence of others who are not so devout to their ownership of such a gift. God help us.

Being an Aries, having the rising sign of Mars lately has been at an all time high when it comes to the madness of Mars.

One challenge seems to be compounding upon another.
Financial challenges, family challenges, spiritual & emotional challenges… I’d go into it, but…

Oh what the hell why not, another Dark night of the soul for me last night. I’d had it, I’m fed up. The cards have been giving me what I wanted to hear. And they seemed to continue to get more enlightened as to their meanings.. Yet the current situation for this soul has increased in the negative.

So when I asked what it all means for me, I pulled The World. TheWorld

Now, There’s a thought going round to claim your responsibility for everything that happens in your life. Everything. But after a while, like decades, it seems that this is just plain bullshit. Maybe its true maybe it isn’t.

I started recalling all the things out of my control which happened to me.

Abusive parent, lack of a productive grounded role model, unprotected from predators, denied audience with people of the cloth, betrayed by family and friends, falsely accused too many times to account here.

I once tried to get work in Vegas through the union as an electrician, the deal was to get the lead from the union hall, get in and start organizing. I made it clear, I’m not organizing until I’ve gotten a foot hold on some stability, I’m a family man for godsake. Help me get straight and I’ll start spreading the word.

Nine W2′s later in one year, shop after electrical shop would let me go after 3-4 weeks after hiring me because they got word I was organizing… But I wasn’t. Three weeks to a month is not what I call stable.

And the one shop I went to outside the hall kept me on, but a pattern was showing itself from within the ranks which I couldn’t help but notice. Those who asked for a raise, within a week received a pink slip. So when my foreman came to me and asked why I wouldn’t ask for a raise, I was very clear in my knowledge. “Because I need the job, I’m not stupid and don’t you frickin dare go and ask for me…” Three weeks later he asked for me…

I got my slip…fired

I made a break, knowing the only path that was ever narrowing, was my exit from existence. I made a desperate call and got a ticket back to NY.

Meditating and praying every day & night. for 2.5 years sleeping on one of those roll-up foam chair / bed things and no steady work outside of some time with Radio Shack. Where I became the radio shack answer man before there was one. Remember the RS Answer Man?

Anyway things started looking up. I took a $5 / hour job with some computer company and began my career with information technology.

After 9 months of no raise and very little to send back to my daughter and no way of getting my own place I bounced. Took a chance with a company called Banctec. Became a support person for every make and model desktop – laptop on the market from Hewlett Packard, Dell & Compaq to Sony and Toshiba. I became a hardware, software support expert.

But the pay sucked…

So I bounced again, took another chance with Compucom for a spell as a contract employee.. Time was up and they chose someone else instead of me. But I was pointed to their competitor Entex, where I moved through the ranks briskly and wound up in a project management position.

When I started Entex had a whole floor in a building on Madison Ave. Within three years the office was a ghost town. So I know it was only a matter of time before I was next on the cutting floor.

So I bounced once again.Super_Geek

This little adventure worked out that every-time I bounced I got at least a $10k raise in my income. This last bounce pushed me to a $20k raise.
But  I had to go independent contractor, incorporate and deal with 1099′s.

Yes things were looking up. Or so I thought.

3 months into the new location at the world trade center, I did a roll-out where we replace old hardware with new for every department of Deutsche Bank

So we get a department with a semi big-wig. Everything was per protocol, back ups, builds, restores and finally the roll-out with a warranty disclaimer to not do anything physical or software wise for at east 48 hours… They decided to negate the warranty. And all the new machines were going down left and right.

I did the right thing and extended the support for 3 days after the allotted time and they were still having issues. Finally we got everything back to normal. But that wasn’t good enough and the bigwig made a call to another bigwig and my head was on the chopping block.

Demoted from my position to satisfy the bigwig client and I was eventually bumped to a new location. This time pure on the floor support for an advertizing company called Foote Cone & Belding, or something like that.. FCB for short…

All was doing okay.. again I had assumed it was…
Some guys who were on top of their game were getting axed, and many months later were still out of work… The signs were not looking good.
I get a call to fix a palm pilot that wasn’t syncing properly and kept crashing in its process… I have to admit I got a weird feeling when they closed the door to the office and let me do my magic.

20 minutes later I’m done and out of there, everything back to normal. Until three days later I say hello to the person with the palm pilot and get a real nasty glance back. “Da hell was THAT about?” I wondered.. I found out…

Some idiot had called that client and made some totally stupid remarks in a sexual tense and went on to mention items that were in her palm pilot.
They made me the only one with that information so I was the the only likely culprit. Now I’m being told I’m to be let go because the client won’t continue the company’s contract unless I’m gone…

I’ll add this, before my termination it was discovered that the owner of North Point Communication the owner of FCB, had a younger family member VIP, who had made several of these calls to several female employees of FCB and she was one of them, but that didn’t matter. He was untouchable. And I was. So…. off with my head.youre-fired

I had just gotten back from my honeymoon when this happened.

Also, no lawyer will take this case, your guilty even if proven innocent.

Great….

Remember Banctec? They lost major contracts with Met-life one of their biggest clients. Left the hardware support thing and outsourced everything to India. Now does Healthcare and Imaging processes..

Entex? Was bought out by Siemens Intl. who scraped the whole company.

Compucom? Flailed a little longer than Entex but fell to its own demise and became an after thought. Never to be seen again.

FCB? Another after thought. Bought out by Adbrands.net, but God only knows what that means.

Six months no work, no leads and I’m floundering cause unemployment is just about up. I get a call from a friend of a friend. “C’mon on down, I have a client who totally messed up their network and can’t get any reports done.”

I’m there in a heart beat. Within the third visit it became apparent that this friend of a friend had very little clue as to what to do for this company. In fact it seemed every-time he came the original problem got fixed but spawned new and exciting problems for the client.

Approached by one of the clients consultants, I was asked if I would consider a position. “Absolutely!” I exclaimed. One of my first duties was to relieve said friend from his constant calls to this company. I had enuff problems cleaning up their home-built network for this little known international company to last an IT tech’s lifetime without some Seagull consultant coming in making a lot of noise and shitting all over the place.

Within 2 months the Mail server dies and their network is cutoff by AT& F’n T and we’re back on dial up as fast as I can get the damn thing going… I got a hold of a dear friend and wizbang genius who was on his own to restore the mail-server and get it back in place.. Thus earning me a warm spot in the heart of the CFO of the company.

I’m tooling along now, life is great, I’m hiring friends who were out of work and building my team of support for this watch company who was slowly selling themselves to their outside accounting firm.

Not to mention the owner has now inherited the company from his father who built this little empire from scratch and literally owned the building on the corner of Queens Blvd and Northern Blvd. This new owner who has the not so, secret reputation of being a womanizer only hiring secretaries who are lets say, well proportioned in the exaggerated?

This owner who asks me if we’re secure, if our info is safe. Apparently he has some apprehensions… Well even if you lock down and secure the data best you can, you still can’t rule out human potential. “Hard copies are impossible to secure unless you have the resources of a defense contractor” I tell him.

I’m suddenly witnessing catastrophic levels of layoffs within the company. Huge areas which were teaming with life are now becoming ghost towns… Hmmm.. this looks frighteningly familiar. Heads of departments who once thought they were going to retire within a year or two are severed from their positions…dejavu-alloveragain

To make matters worse, one of the so-called friend I hired is making suggestives to female employees and not only getting busted for them but decides to hand over a laptop that used to belong to a female salesperson who just got the axe… All this in less than a months time.

Bye bye Dan, it was nice, but not so nice… Why? Because it happened on my watch. Not to mention, I had just mortgaged a house and we just found out a week ago, we’re pregnant.

MZ Berger Watch Repair and Design; Gone. They were the leading income earner in that area of Queens NY & second in the industry only to Bulova.

Out of my control…

I won’t go into my wife who was on Paxil when I met her, post traumatic stress from the irreparable abuse and torment of her father and others, medically diagnosed as bipolar who forgets conversations at the worst opportune times, who was at 9/11 next to building 7 smoking a cigarette when the second one hits… during the pregnancy the following year, has full blown panic attacks, after the birth of our angel, who was born on my 40th, goes into postpartum depression and makes my life a living hell as if it wasn’t already without any of her help.

Nor will I go into the insanity my first daughter had endured during my lack of presence… That one I won’t go into at all… just hurts too gotdamn much and makes me homicidal.

The struggle continued for years like this afterwards.
Another smash in the face like these occurred in 2008 with another bounce that I wrote about sometime back.

You can read that here..     Confused No More

and it’s followed up here..  You Think You know My Story

So yesterday was yesterday, and tomorrow is tomorrow and right now I’m divorced with a second darling daughter. This one I get to see unlike my first whom every time I got a chance to save to visit something would take the cash away.. Education loans, taxes, medical attention you name it, it came and made things harder.

Is there a moral to the story? You betcha!
Life sucks and you move on.

And to think.. there really are people out there who really would trade places with me. Am I grateful? Yes. Why? “Expletive” if I know.

All I know is…
1.)  Ya can’t keep a good man down &…
2. )  I am the proverbial Come Back Kid.

Purge & Release Time | The Respite:

Obviously, no tale like this can go on without a counterpoint.
Beat down and bruised, our egos continue their travells learning new ways and means to take our lives and turn them every which-a-way.

Situations pass, some take longer than others. Are there some good times in there? Hell yeah there are! Are there times that absolutely made you feel like the world was your oyster? Yes, yes indeed there were!

Can you allow the past insanity to be just that, the past?
Yes, I’m sure you can.

Can you allow tomorrow to be unwritten with no connection to the past?
Yes, I think you can do that too…

Being practical and being a realist doesn’t mean that unpredictability doesn’t happen.
In fact, it happens all the time. Change happens in the blink of an eye, and yes sometimes it does take longer than one would like.

The change we create in ourselves though. This can take as long or as short a time as we decide.  Our personal power, our Will Power if you like, is ours to dominate. It’s ours and no one elses.

If we commit to our decisions, and act upon those commitments, then change can only be experienced and not a wishful dream wafting in the breeze.

Today this very day, I am in control of my Free Will, I erase whatever emotional attachments I have to the past, and go forth accepting that this is just my story. One of thousands I have accumulated over this lifetime. But a story of our lives is not finished until our last breathe is taken, and even then, how  we’ve affected others can live on for centuries ye even a millenia if we stay commited and true to ourselves.

The rest is still unwritten….

Until the next post
Stay focused
Dan Lopez

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Mr. I don’t know What Your Story is..

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Filed under: Stories 

Have you ever heard that before?

I have.. and it wasn’t always put in a positive light.

When I was eight-going-on-nine, my life shifted from so-so to horrific. For me, it was hell on Earth, for others
it looked like life as usual.

Nice well-behaved kid, nice loving family yada,
yada, yada…

Well, behind closed doors, there’s a life that’s
never seen by anyone outside the nuclear family unit.

What happens in the family stays in the family.
Nothing controversial is to be shared
outside of the family. We kept to ourselves.

Does any of this (any of it) sound familiar? If so,
pay attention… it’s important you hear this.

As a child of hispanic origin it was quite normal to be
a child of an alcoholic. As such, there are many disturbing
accounts that occur in such an environment.

So many, they have become the lifeblood of my current
trade as a writer.

As I picked up much of the traits of my parents, it became
apparent to authority figures I simply had a problem.

What that problem was, wasn’t their concern. They only knew
I was the only one that had to change it. Change it?

How the hell was I supposed to change living in fear?

How was I supposed to know whether I was going to see
the light of day after I went to sleep? I never knew
what was going to come through that door at 6PM.

Having to explain the bruises and marks on my face to
teachers always left me screaming inside “PLEASE HELP ME!”

But all I could say when approached was “I slipped,” or, “I’m
just clumsy I guess.”

One night, I was told to get on my knees and face the wall
and if I moved I was going to be killed. I believed it.
I believed it so much, I told my brother who was next to me
I loved him and to never forget me….

And I passed out from the fear.

I later went through my own bout with the disease of
addiction and got into as much trouble as possible.

I think by the time I was thirteen, I disowned my own family.
I rarely went home and when I did it was
after everyone was asleep, and I was gone
before everyone was awake.

After a final battle which sent my father flying down a
concrete stairwell, I wound up in the Queens General Hospital
psyche ward, where they told my parents I probably wasn’t
going to ever be released, and they should make
appropriate arrangements.

Fast forward some twenty-odd years later.

I’m twenty years “sober” or “clean” or whatever
you care to call it. I’ve two beautiful daughters from two
disastrous relationships. And I’m writing for several arenas
as clients allow… Life is good.

It wasn’t always such but I survived.

That’s just one story. Albeit a short one…but its mine.

Do you have a story?
Of course you do.

Every story impacts another person’s life. And yours
has the ability to do the same. We need these stories to
help each other connect with one another, and heal
one another and let each other know that we are not alone…

Let us help you tell your story. Come listen to some amazing
stories and see how YOU can use them to help
build or EXPLODE the life you want to live.

It’s easy, just follow the link below and we’ll
show you how. Just hop on over for this Free Series Today:

http://www.thankgodi.com/cmd.php?Clk=4313323

Stay Focused,
Dan Lopez

PS. Listen to some amazing people Like
Self-Help Legend, John DeMartini:
(his secret past may suprise you)

Best Seller Maker, Warren Whitlock:
(who unlocks the secrets of bestseller status)

Internet Marketing Legend, Willie Crawford:
(Willie completely drops his guard and tells all)

To listen to these and more click the link now
before they decide this information is (TOO Telling)
and ask us to pull it down…

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